Dudes, Motherfucker! Do You Bring Them?

I'll tumbl for ya...

Feb 7

Out of The Blue

I got an email out of the blue from an old friend who bcame my ex-friend a couple of years ago. It was an apology for acting in an unfriendly manner and letting us not be friends anymore. He missed me and wanted the chance to get back in touch. I missed him too. He said he wanted to explain himself. I told him he didn’t have to as there was likely things done on both sides that weren’t that great. When you come to understand that a scenario is never one person being right and the other being wrong it is liberating. Instead taking the rational approach that for a situation to go wrong it has to be two people not quite getting things right. It is much easier to forgive someone like this, because you must forgive yourself at the same time.

May 18

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

I’m like yea

May 10

Memory, what a guy.

I’m not sure why I remembered this just now, but when me and my siblings were small children growing up my mother’s preferred method of getting us to do what she wanted (eat vegetables etc.) was 1 of 2 things: A) She would tell us she was leaving and never coming back and would go out the door and hide in the backyard out of view until we cried our eyes out or B) We had two goldfish for a number of years Poppy & Orca and she would threaten to kill them if we did not behave. Even now sitting with the lights off listening to the warm record hiss of a Lifetime record busily trying to cram comfort food into my mouth I kind of envy those goldfish.

Apr 28

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Might be long but I’ve read a lot about depression lately, from people, the way most people describe it it seems like episodic acute cases. I suffer from a case of chronic depression, and it is interesting to hear people talk about getting depressed because for me that is all I know, no triggers just fabulous~. So this is me:

I went to go get my medication refilled today. It was an odd relief. All my life I’ve had people tell me that I’m crazy, not in the “Man and or woman, last night was so crazy, we did beer floats and then drifted in the Wal-Mart parking lot until we killed a couple of elderly raccoons” kind of crazy. It was the kind of crazy that made people pound their fists on things, gnash their teeth and sometimes made them afraid, the kind that had specialists and doctors forced on me. Have people tell you something enough, regardless of whether they are wrong or right and chances are you’ll start to believe it too. It doesn’t make you gullible or anything, I mean when a large group of society repeatedly tells you something it is easier to believe that you are the one that is broken rather than the other way around. However one thing I’ve learned about mental health in our society is that just like beauty is what makes something beautiful or mentally fit depends entirely on constructed standards set around a specific privilege of race, class and gender. It was (and still is) my inability to properly convey my thoughts and feelings a lot of the time that marked me to some as mad. I’m not crazy, I’m just frustrated. This struggle made me feel like I wanted to be anyone one or anything else but me and I didn’t know why or how. It has made me seem flighty or strange or any number of other things too. My inability to understand the norms of society on some basic level and a failure to articulate that is what made me quote unquote crazy.

So why do I need the pills then? Then why did I have the bowl bart? WHY DID I HAVE THE BOWL??? Well I’m emotionally unstable, I’m always me but when I don’t have the pills I’m at emotional extremes and my thoughts have this weird circular pattern that crunches over the same bits of information forever. I believe it has helped me in my study and creation of literature, this obsessive churning of ideas. It has also made me lose a few relationships with people I loved, because when they eventually did love me they realized that my mind was a scary and unpredictable place. A thrill to visit but you don’t want to live there. So I take the pills so hopefully I don’t alienate anybody because of it ever again. I’m not deterministic by any stretch of the imagination but somehow I don’t see that happening.

fart noises etc.

Apr 4

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

The first moment of the first day we come into this world we are screaming and covered in shit. Sometimes we’re just covered in shit. Most people would agree that most days of ours lives carry on with little variation from one to the next. Yet, somehow we operate under the assumption that our last moment on this rock will somehow be the polar opposite of the first, that we’ll somehow drift off peacefully. I’m skeptical.

Feb 24

Richard we hardly knew yee

Notorious hit-man Richard “The Iceman” Kuklinski is a man of contradictions. According to him the two best ways to make sure no one knows you are a hit-man are: A) have a perfectly “normal” life with the wife, big house, 2.3 kids or B) dress up and present yourself in the best version of what you imagine to be the most completely flamboyant homosexual man you’ve ever seen (his version included a banana yellow sweater and platform shoes). Sheesh talk about mixed messages.

Pleatherlace

Frankie Stubbs is part of an extremely exclusive trifecta in my own mind. What is this trifecta he speaks of you ask? Well the three people that if God was real he’d choose to take the form of. The other two being Morgan Freeman and Cate Blanchett. I’m not sure why.